10 Things Parents of a Child with Autism Wish You Knew

1)      Autism is not a behavioral or disciplinary problem and thinking it is actually makes it worse. I have wracked my brain trying to research different parenting techniques to make my child “behave.” My guilt is already higher than can be imagined because I wonder if I did anything to give my child Autism, it pains me when I hear that others think my child just needs better discipline. I probably have tried everything in the book and learned typical disciplinary techniques make the issues worse because her brain works differently. The meltdowns and out of control behavior you see on our public outings happen because my child is so overwhelmed by people staring, sights, sounds, smells, and touches, or because they don’t feel that they can communicate or have their voice heard, and that someone is frightening them whether they notice that or not. Imagine wearing a scratchy sweater, hearing 10 people talk to you about 10 different things, the tv up too loud, the lights on too bright, and your tummy hurting, and you are not able to tell everyone what you need to feel comfortable again or no one takes you seriously and keeps doing what they are doing. Frustrating, right?

2)      If you see a child having a hard time out and about, please be understanding. Being understanding that just because a child doesn’t look any different doesn’t mean that they aren’t special needs is extremely helpful. That child may be frightened and overwhelmed, there is no way of knowing. Simply asking “Is there anything I can do?” or smile, telling us you understand is helpful, and teaches my child that the world isn’t such a scary place.

3)      Even an expert with all the training in the world cannot possibly know what it’s like being the parent of a child with Autism – unless they happen to be one. Experts in the field know what books have taught them. I have learned through what books, other families, and most of all what my child has taught me. I have a bigger picture understanding, at least for my child. I also usually can tell when another child is on the spectrum by the way they move, talk, walk, etc. When I see a baby who shows early signs, I pray that they find healing, or that I’m just plain wrong because life would be easier (not better or less meaningful, however).

4)      Before or After a Diagnoses, my child is the same person. It is for the reason that they showed signs that something was “off” for lack of better wording that they were brought to evaluation in the first place. And many times finding a doctor willing to take the time and energy to find the most accurate diagnoses is a job itself. Surprisingly it is also possible for a child to be diagnosed at different times as being higher or lower on the spectrum, accurately. Confusing much? For instance, children can go from full-blown Autism to a milder form or be undiagnosed completely. Or, vice versa, children can go from a milder form (PDD-NOS or Asperger’s) to full blown Autism.

5)      If you meet us on a good day, please don’t say that your shocked that my child is on the spectrum because they seem so “sweet” or “caring.” Children with Autism are sweet, kind, caring, funny, curious, and intelligent just as any other child. No two children on the spectrum are alike.

6)      Please don’t feel sorry for us, just be understanding. Children on the Autism Spectrum are gifts to this world. They teach us patience, the dangers of toxins, neurology, and the list goes on. They are loving, intelligent, and have amazing memories. I am not sad to have my child, nor should you be. I am thankful they are living and breathing. They are warriors.

7)      Foods can have a HUGE impact on the well-being of my child. Foods such as gluten, casein, artificial food colorings, sugar, corn, and other foods are commonly bothersome to a child on the spectrum. Actually, they are bothersome to most of us nowadays and these children are extra sensitive to them. They can mean the different between a day full of giggles or a day of isolation and meltdowns. Their bodies literally cannot process these foods and it is poisoning to them. P.S. I highly recommend researching the GAPS diet.

8)      My house may be a mess, but it’s for a good reason. I stay up late researching how to help my children have the best life possible (including siblings of my child with Autism). I spend a lot of time cooking healthy and healing meals for my family. I read to my children so they can learn about the world around them and then I fall asleep as I put them to bed because I am exhausted physically and mentally. The house is the least of my concerns in this season of life.

9)      My child IS doing the best she can. The way that you see her acting is only the effects of how her brain works differently. She didn’t choose this. She is only acting in ways that are comforting to her. Much of the time her brain works in fight or flight mode to keep her safe from danger, whether seen or not to “normal” people.

10)   I am a perfectly competent advocate for my child, and I am doing the best I can. I may or may not have a degree. Or, in my personal case, I may have been going to college for 9+ years for a degree in psychology, with extra courses in things like science, math, etc, but it’s taken me longer because my child needs me more. No matter what, I am competent in making the best decisions for my child. I may have had to fight for the therapies my child needs. I know what therapists work best with her and what ones don't very quickly. We do the best with what we are given. Even though it’s not easy living this life, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I know there are others, but if we could all come together as a society to try to learn more about Autism, it would benefit us as a whole, as well as children and families who live with Autism. Autism is a mystery and while there are stereotyped behaviors that you see, that is only the tip of the iceberg. Our children are human beings that deserve respect just as anyone else does. I have faith that slowly more and more people will be educated, especially since Autism is becoming more and more common. Also, I hope that if you are reading this and have a loved one on the spectrum that you find comfort in the fact that others understand.

Also, I want to say that this goes for any child who has special needs, especially ones that aren't seen like ADHD/ADD as well. Experts are even starting to say that they are all different manifestations of something similar to eachother.